What’s Next?

I am a mom.
I am a daughter.
I am a wife.
I am creative.
I am healthy.
I am working

But what happens when these things are gone? Or no longer fully necessary? Or nobody really cares? Or they change…as they do, to be almost completely unrecognizable?

Being a different age, with a lot of life behind me, I wonder on this a lot. I wonder on death daily…to keep the world of living alive, I think. I have discovered that all of it is important…and none of it is important.

Each day and breath is new.  Sit in it and allow… (but tell that to my ambitious mind and I am off and running!)

I recently read this line from a David Whyte book entitled Consolations:

“Ambition may be essential for the young, but becomes the essential obstacle of any mature life.”

I have been continuously thinking of my role as a “worker”.  My job has defined me for so many years.  And for the past few, my creativity has defined me.  I like this better.  But the need to bring in a cash-flow to pay the bills gnaws and gnaws at the edges of all that I do.

I have a resume.  I have worked in many different capacities.  Some fulfilling, others not.  The continuous cry to “Be a maker!”  “Make lots of money!” “Work your ass off and relax later!”  “Work smarter, not harder!”

I am tired. I want things to be more simple.  I still need to eat.

My resume reflects the old parts of me.  The parts I am ready to let go.  But how can that be? How does one hold all of that past knowledge, integration of skills and projects, and yet find the strength to let it all go?  What happens to that definition of me?

I find that when I try to nestle into the world of my creativity, the battle cry sounds…”Get a job!”  and the money worries sneak in and hold court in my head.  And my emotions get involved and I watch the depression cover it all like a blanket of doom.  (These times, then, are not the best ones to think on death.)

Or are they?

The letting go, death, re-cycling of life is a deeply rooted “work” that I find myself in (even if I look back at times when I was “happy” in my work).  This malaise has been with me always.  It just seems more apparent during times of “money worries” and not really being seen as “viable” in the workplace any more. 

Ambition.  It is still within me.  I am wondering how it helps or hurts as I continue on this path and new phase of life.  

What are your thoughts on the phases and changes of life?  How do you move through them?



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